Here I am again. Anxiety taking over every single breath. Telling me that the future is to much to handle. That the present sucks and telling me all the things I did wrong in the past.
The last couple of weeks has been invited by hell.
I do not know what this is coming from. I am so anxious all the time, and my tears and panic attacks are taking over. The voice is back. You know when your mind is telling you that nothing is worth anything. I just want to pause life, for a month or so. I just want to lay in my bed under the blanket for weeks, with no responsibility. No work, no stress, no; 1 million changes per day.
There has been so many changes for me, in such a short amount of time.
First my dad moved in with his girlfriend, her kids and my sister.
I have been living at my cousins place for two weeks, and tomorrow I am moving in with my mom.
People have left with no explanation and I just had to accept the fact that some people leave without telling you.
My mom is moving soon, and I have no idea where to go.
I am going to LA in three weeks, and to be honest. I am not even sure that I want to leave again.
It feels like I am running away again. But only now, I do not have anything to run away from.
What I need right now in my life, this period of my life, is a place that is mine. Where I can work on me and no one else. I need my own apartment for 2 am yoga, and cooking naked with music blasting in the background. I need a place that is mine.
Not for that long, I do not want to settle down etc. But at least for a while.
I have noticed that I have been running away for the last couple of years. When something's been tough, I just moved in with a friend, or spent everyday at exes places. I booked a plane ticket, and stayed the exact time, so that when my life cached me, I just moved again.
I have not had to deal with anything for years. And now I am. And oh dear universe.
I have a lot of things to work on, and move on from, and to deal with.
I do not want to run away any longer. And I do not want to move around from place to place to no have to deal with life.
I met a person not long ago, and I saw sooo clearly in him that he was running away from his life. And that is when I saw it in myself as well. I have been doing the same thing, but I was not aware of it. Even if people told me, I could not see it.
Time and patience and effort.
I know that everything right now is happening for a reason, and I know that everything will work out just fine. Or more than fine.
Right now though?
I want to scream as load as I can, I want to punch walls and tell everyone to fuck off.
I can see so clearly now, my past mistakes, the mistakes I am doing now, and what I truly want and need in my life. But I can also see how far away I am. And that is driving me crazy. I just want it all done right away, when I am aware of something. I really need to practice patience. And I need to calm the fuck down and trust myself, trust the universe, and the timing.