Here I am again. Anxiety taking over every single breath. Telling me that the future is to much to handle. That the present sucks and telling me all the things I did wrong in the past.
The last couple of weeks has been invited by hell.
I do not know what this is coming from. I am so anxious all the time, and my tears and panic attacks are taking over. The voice is back. You know when your mind is telling you that nothing is worth anything. I just want to pause life, for a month or so. I just want to lay in my bed under the blanket for weeks, with no responsibility. No work, no stress, no; 1 million changes per day.
There has been so many changes for me, in such a short amount of time.
First my dad moved in with his girlfriend, her kids and my sister.
I have been living at my cousins place for two weeks, and tomorrow I am moving in with my mom.
People have left with no explanation and I just had to accept the fact that some people leave without telling you.
My mom is moving soon, and I have no idea where to go.
I am going to LA in three weeks, and to be honest. I am not even sure that I want to leave again.
It feels like I am running away again. But only now, I do not have anything to run away from.
What I need right now in my life, this period of my life, is a place that is mine. Where I can work on me and no one else. I need my own apartment for 2 am yoga, and cooking naked with music blasting in the background. I need a place that is mine.
Not for that long, I do not want to settle down etc. But at least for a while.
I have noticed that I have been running away for the last couple of years. When something's been tough, I just moved in with a friend, or spent everyday at exes places. I booked a plane ticket, and stayed the exact time, so that when my life cached me, I just moved again.
I have not had to deal with anything for years. And now I am. And oh dear universe.
I have a lot of things to work on, and move on from, and to deal with.
I do not want to run away any longer. And I do not want to move around from place to place to no have to deal with life.
I met a person not long ago, and I saw sooo clearly in him that he was running away from his life. And that is when I saw it in myself as well. I have been doing the same thing, but I was not aware of it. Even if people told me, I could not see it.
Time and patience and effort.
I know that everything right now is happening for a reason, and I know that everything will work out just fine. Or more than fine.
Right now though?
I want to scream as load as I can, I want to punch walls and tell everyone to fuck off.
I can see so clearly now, my past mistakes, the mistakes I am doing now, and what I truly want and need in my life. But I can also see how far away I am. And that is driving me crazy. I just want it all done right away, when I am aware of something. I really need to practice patience. And I need to calm the fuck down and trust myself, trust the universe, and the timing.
GUYS, the energy that has been going around since the Lunar eclipse has been intense like crazy!
Can you believe how much is going around in the universe right now?
It is like 500 planets going retrograde. We have moved in to Leo season, lions gate, and at the same time there was a blood/full moon and an eclipse?
SOOoo many changes in the air, so much confusion and clarity at the same time. Like you could feel the ying and yang in yourself.
I can not even explain how this energy is like you know? It is like an upgrade or rebirth. Or maybe more like I can see myself better?
I can see where I am in life, and where I want to be.
I can see what makes me happy, and what I am actually doing for happiness.
I can hear my purpose calling me, and how far away I am right now from it.
I can see all the changes I need to make in my life right now. Things I did not see this clear only a week ago.
When I was visiting India, I meet an amazing person and soul. And he thought me "time and patience", and how important that is in life.
A week or two ago he told me that he upgraded that saying to ; "time, patience and effort."
And yeees, I loved it. And that phrase changed a lot of thinking too.
So now, that I can see it all from other eyes almost (third eye, yes?) This adding in effort into the sentence make sense as fuck.
I need to make effort and changes in my life, and then have patience and give it time.
Sometimes it is not about the result, but about the feeling it gave you making something with your heart and soul.
Lately I have been having troubles finishing my texts. I have so many different ones. But I can not seem to find the perfect way to end any of them. I guess that I am scared. Scared to finish them and then sharing them here. My fears are telling me that what I am writing is not good enough to share. That it does not fit in here. Maybe the other people who put their texts here is better than me. Do they really need me to wright? What if everyone gets disappointed on what I share? I feel so exposed. So naked and vulnerable.
Writing and sharing has been my dream for so long. And I guess that I am afraid to fuck it all up, now when I have got this amazing opportunity. I know that it will be alright, and if I make a mistake that is alright. Dammit Jo, that is how you learn in life. Mistakes are amazing. And I have to start to love and appreciate my mistakes as much as my success in something.
I am great at this, and as long as I got my own beliefs, that is really what truly matters.
So go on. Right your story, share your darkest fears with the world. Expose your scars and let people heal from that. Believe in yourself, like that tattoo on your arm says. Fucking face your biggest fears with a smile, and let no one, especially yourself, tell you that you can not do anything.
Believe, and see magic start to come your way.
This was seriously the most amazing thing I have ever seen. I have never felt so much energy, love, magic, connection and hope at the same time before. I am so grateful that I have got to experience this. And be a part of a lunar eclipse, and blood moon at the same time. I am so blessed with this and so happy. Also, I had the chance to see experience this with some amazing souls. That night I fell in love with the moon even more. With life, with hope and with my purpose here.
As I sat on the beach next to the ocean, I pulled a card out,- meadow-vulnerability came up. And it told me to stop being afraid to be me. That it is time to show myself to the world, no matter what others might think. That people might judge and reject. It is time to face my biggest fears; being me to the fullest and get rejected. To show me to the world. To open my heart up, even if that means to be vulnerable.
Thank you, my beloved moon. Thank you witch sisters for sharing this with me. Thank you universe for always showing me the most magical things. Thank you eclipse for this priceless sight and everything that came with it.
Now it is time for some changes, facing fears and throwing myself into the unknown once again.
Stay wild moon child.
I love crafting! To make my own stuff and play with colors and different ideas.
But all my stuff were all over the place, and no order what so ever. So I took an old banana box and made it to my craft box to have it all collected. Order is another thing I just looove haha.
Here is some pictures before, during and after!
"Pyssel" means crafting in Swedish!
I love seeing airplanes. It gives me calmness and the feeling of inner peace. There is so many different storys. Someone might be discovering a new place, someone is about to do an adventure of their lifetime. Someone is about to go through a big change, and they do not even know about it. Someone is seeing a loved one, and some are about to meet family they have not seen in a while. Some people are sad and scared to be back home. And some people are happy to be back where they call home.
The worries you have just seems gone up there. It’s so much freedom, and for whatever reason you’re on that plane it’s going to change your life.
My favorite part everyday is when and after the sun goes down. When the trees turns black because of where the sun is at that moment. How the sky shows us different colors, and how peaceful everything all of a sudden becomes. All the chaos during daytime from all the cars, buses and the stress from other people disappears with the brightness from the sun. All my thoughts kind of calms itself down. It is like I’m in the state of meditation during the sunset, and all the way through the darkness. I can stare at a wall for two hours straight and no one would give a care in the world. I can sit on my balcony and watch the swallows dance with the background of light blue from the sky. With the songs in my headphones as background music for them to dance to. It is so beautiful to see them dance through life.
My favorite part is when one side of the sky is orange, and yellow and pink. And the other side shows light purple and blue. You can even catch the color of green.
You slowly see the stars coming through, and the moon is getting higher and higher up on the night sky. There is so much peace everywhere, the trees are all still and there is no wind to blow the leaves around. You can hear the birds songs more clearly, cause there is no longer any noises to quiet them down.
It is like you get to see the colors of a rainbow, every single evening. And every day, around this time a day, I appreciate life a bit more. It is like everything that happened earlier this day, or in the past just makes sense.
Some days when my anxiety is so strong and my tears do not want to stop, these colors, the birds dances and songs. The calmness and the still trees. It just takes all that away. I’m fully in the present and the feeling of love I feel, ca not even be explained.
The best part about summertime in Sweden is that the sun set so late, and then around 3am, it all starts again. But the other way around. The darkness become brighter and the moon is moving further and further down. The stars starts to disappear slowly and you can start seeing the rainbow colors again. The birds stars to sing, the trees looks black and there’s no wind to blow the leaves around. The feeling of gratitude and peace is still in the air.
Nature once agin shows me the meaning of oneness, peace, love and understanding.
So this was the first time I traveled alone. I mean I started this trip with some people I know, and I have catched flights by myself before. But this is the first time I been in a place where I knew no one. And it was an amazing experience. I never felt lonely, not even even once. I’ve met so many awesome people who I love with all of my heart. And I learned something new from everyone I met. I’m so, so grateful for every single one of the amazing souls I had opportunity to pass by.
As soon as I came back to Arambol, something inside me told me to stay at Namahstay. I heard mixed things about this place, but I had such a strong feeling about going there. I’m so happy that I listened to my gutfeeling. From the very first second I put my foot there it felt like home. I felt welcomed, and I got the family feeling right away. I was so nervous and anxious about doing this on my own, but all the “bad” feelings went away when I got there. Every person who works there took me in as a part of their family, and every guest staying there became family to. I now have friends and family for a lifetime and I know in my soul that I will meet all of you again. I know I will be back for next season, for sure.
I've always felt lost, wherever i've been, and I never really felt the feeling of home anywhere. But this is the first place i've visited that I got that feeling, you know? I felt safe, I could for the first time be myself a hundred procent without being judged. And that for me, is worth everything.
When I was sick they all helped me recover, when I was sad and so anxious, everyone was by my side and helped me through the hard time. I got to play Justin Bieber for a full day during my sad period and if that isn't true love I don't know what haha.
We all shared so many amazing moments together, both sadness and happiness.
A big fucking thank you, to all of you I met at Namahstay and through people at Namahstay. I left a piece of my soul and heart there. But I also know that this isn’t a goodbye, it’s a; “I see you soon”.
Now that I have been without television and Netflix I found my love for writing again, my love for drawing, for sharing and for not being ashamed of it. I draw like a 2 year old, and I’ve always heard from people around me that I can’t draw, and that it looks like shit. But I’ve learned now that it’s not really about what it looks like, but about the feeling it gives me during and after. And is there really wrongs and rights when it comes to art and creativity? (Or anything at all.) I’ve been asking and wondered for a very long time where my love for writing went. Why I don’t have any creative side. And a part of it going away is that fucking tv. It takes the creative side of you away! (At least for me.) It just thinks for you, give opinions for you. It’s a great escape, and it feels great to just lay there and look at shit that doesn’t make you grow at all. It’s just an escape, just like alcohol and drugs. An addiction to escape from your thoughts. I also realized that when you have a job that you only have for money and you think it’s the right way in life. A lot of people (including myself), just come home after work and sit down in front of the tv. Why? Probably cause you are not inspired at the job you have. You give all your energy away for a place that doesn’t give you anything back. So why would you have any inspiration to create after a long day of doing what you don’t really like?
I choose to listen to what people had to say to, and I choose my fear of what other people think instead of listening to what I love and want to do. Writing is a big passion and I’m so happy that I finally found it again. So, so happy and grateful!
Going back to Sweden and keep this will be a challenge, for sure. But at the end of the day, it gives me much more drawing and writing stuff that don’t really make sense than to stare at a tv. Next step is fore sure my phone addiction. Slowly in the right direction.
Being around all these amazing souls that let their creative side out has helped me a lot to. So keep on creating and sharing, in your own beautiful way, I know I will from now on. Sharing my passion and thoughts are fore sure a big challenge and it freaks me out, but that’s also why I choose to do it. Life’s amazing.
Who in the world would believe that it would be you and me calling each other bestie and twinnie.
Our story is interesting, at least to say haha.
I love you so much and I am so grateful to share my everyday life with you, you are absolutely amazing!
I love how we can just sit down for hours without having to share a word, how comfortable it is to share a quiet moment with you. It is not easy finding someone where you just enjoy the company between two people. I love how we know each other and share so many thoughts.
You have been there for me through hard times, and through good times. You have no idea how much everything you are doing means to me. I love how you listen and how you never ever judge me when I talk about things that might not be you interest. You accept me for me, and that's worth gold.
You are kind, you are beautiful, inside - out. You are pure and I'm so happy to call you my best friend.
We are so alike but at the same so unlike, if that make sense?
It's like we can do it all together, cleaning (sorry for my OCD hahaha), watch series, walks, quiet moments, tanning, talking about absolutely everything and nothing, redo you apartment a lot.
I love how the difference between us, makes us think different, and see things from new perspectives. I love how you appreciate the small things in life, and how happy you get when I come over with food for the next day.
I love how you can do small surprises, like when my diadem broke and the very next day you bought me one.
I know that it is the small things in life that makes the bigger picture, and I love how you share that mindset with me.
It is crazy how my anxiety and worries just disappears when I'm next to you.
I love how we both hate planning but still plan to hang out everyday.
The other night I wasn't feeling good and I was just in my bed, recovering. And it felt so empty and weird not being with you, even if it was only for a day you know?
It is like an good habit and an everyday thing, hanging out every evening.
Talking about our day, the good and bad that happened that day.
I love how both our brains are like overthinking everything in life, and how we like caught our self's sometimes going way to far with the smallest thought haha.
I want to say thank you, for being you, and for being in my life. Thank you for accepting me and loving me, and for always being there, no matter what.
Thank you for the kindness and for sharing that, with me and the world.
I love you twinnie, so much.
And for you, I am forever grateful.
Don't even know where to start you know.
Yesterday I was chilling with this 2 babes. We were sitting outside on the grass, with this amazing view. While we were sitting there, it was like we all just became one. We were in our own bubble. Like nothing else existed. Everything I said, and did not say was just so clear. It was like we all had one mind together and this connection is worth everything. That feeling of we're one is so amazing. It is not often at all you come across this in life, and it seriously means the WORLD. I was leaving with this calmness inside of me, the feeling of peace and love. No one took energy, we just gave and received at the same time.
It is absolutely amazing to share this kinds of moments in life, it is fucking beautiful!
You know when time doesn't exist, when you are just in the present moment, loving life and being so grateful? It is worth absolutely everything to me.
I'm so grateful for you both, thank you for sharing, and listening, and being yourself, and no one else. Thank you both for being amazing souls that spreads love and beauty around. Thank you for showing up in my life and showing me truth and life and the beauty of just being true. Of being love. Of personal growth and how ugly but beautiful it can be.
GRATEFUL!! Love you both beautiful souls.
I spent so much time hating myself for my needs in life. Choosing not to accept, and trying to fight against it. I have many times chosen to get drunk and fucked up to manage to be around people and do stuff. I have many times ignored that I need a lot, A LOT of alone time. To recharge, to process what happened during the day and to get all the unnecessary energy out of me. I noticed on this trip that I always ignore my alone time, whenever I go to new places, meet new people, get a new job etc. I’ve made excuses for myself, I’ve spent so much time trying to explain to people why I just disappear sometimes. Or why I all of a sudden become quite. I love being alone, I love doing things on my own. I love being quite, I love observing. Don’t get me wrong, I love meeting new people, I love traveling and getting new friends. I love nightly sleepovers at hostels. But just for a surtian amount of time. Then I need to disappear, then I need to be alone. A lot of people are now out of my life for not understanding or accepting what I need. Believe me, I’ve wished that I was extroverted, a lot of times. But for others to respect and accept my introverted needs, I need to do it myself first, right? I’ve come to realize on this trip that I don’t give myself my needs when something new happens because of my fears. Being rejected and left outside. That people will think differently about me. So I choose to ignore my needs, to fit in. This trip has been many, many different lessons, all the time. About myself, about others, about life and cultures. About love, friendship and to accept me for me. I’m learning to set boundaries, and I’m learning that if someone doesn’t understands me, that it’s okey, and it’s okey to walk away from anything or anyone who doesn’t match my vibe. I lost myself for a while in beautiful lies and I really did not listen to my body, mind or soul. But you need to get lost sometimes to find yourself again, stronger than ever you know? I’m learning acceptance, not only from others but first of all, from myself. And the real and true people will never leave my side for who I am. They are still by my side, even though I’m hard to understand. I’m learning balance and boundaries, it’s hard but aaaah, it feels so amazing to do things for myself. And now when I’m starting to accept me, so does other people. Like everything else it starts within myself.
I now know that prayers do get answered. Maybe not always the way you wanted to, and the answers to your prayers might not always show up as you wished for. But the universe do respond when you ask, and when you pray.
If you are crying, and screaming and you can not breath. And all you wish for is someone who would help you to make a meal. All you pray for is for someone to show you that you mean something to them, to this world. All you pray for is that someone will tell you the opposite of what your thoughts are telling you.
Because your thoughts keeps telling you, in the middle of the worst breakdown, that you are not good enough. No one cares, and there is no one there to make you a sandwich. There is no one next to you right now that can calm you tears, or quiet the mind. You remind yourself that it is true what you see everywhere. You need to love yourself, and take care of yourself, because everybody dies alone. And YOU are the one that is gonna pick yourself up from the floor at 3 am when you do not know what to do anymore.
It feels like this breakdown, this crying and grasping for air to breath in the middle of a panikattack. It is this feeling like all you want is to disappear, because the thoughts, and the stress and the lack of air you are feeling in the middle of an attack? It feels like dying. Your mind is telling you to die, to give up. But your body is fighting to be alive.
Then you calm yourself down. You catch your breath. The thoughts gets more calm. And you just sit there for a while, at the floor in your room, staring at the wall. You are just numb, and your body is exhausted, your mind is exhausted. Your energy is completely gone.
You move after a while, and check your phone like nothing happened. You sit down in front of the tv and it is like nothing happened.
But you did pray at that moment of panik, You did made some wished at that time you thought you lost your breath for good.
And you all of a sudden feel proud of yourself. You did it, you calmed your thoughts down. You were able to breath again. You picked yourself up from the floor. Yeeah, you did it! And all on your own.
Then you get a message on your phone, from a friend telling you what a beautiful soul you are. How the world need more like you around.
You smile, and cry and realized that one of your prayers came through. There is people who sees you.
And hour later your sister arrives, and she hugs you, and you cry again. There was another huge reason to smile everyday.
A new friend you just made, later asks if you are hungry and gives you a plate of food.
And you smile again and says thank you, for having another prayer answered.
You see pictures uploaded by friends you made traveling. And they are still out there. Traveling, doing what makes them happy, and you see how well it goes for them. How happy and in love with life they are.
And you get reminded why you are in love with life. You realize that it is just a downhill right now. And when the uphills come, you will scream out of happiness that you made it through the storm.
You see, the prayers get answered. Maybe not how you expected it, but it shows up. In text messages, in hugs, with family, with someone telling you how much they appreciate you in their life.
And that is a lesson to.
You can never ever know how terrible someone feels, you have no idea who is suffering from depression or goes through other hard times in life. So always be nice to those you love, and those you do not love, and those who you do not know. Be kind to everyone around you. Because the smallest action can save someones life. It can save someone from tears and ideas that no one loves them. Something that seems to small to you, like a hello to a stranger, or telling someone to have a nice day. Or giving someone a hug, a cup of coffee or just to ask the question how are you. It can change so much. Maybe not for you, maybe for you it is super small and ridiculous. But for someone else, it can mean the whole world.